My name is Thania.

and I like to rp.

Kid meets world header image.

Check out those mad skills. Yeah, I did that. Pffft~ Hope everyone has a lovely day.

Why does two days feel so long? Or was it 3? Come back already! I want to hug you and kiss you and tell you warm fluffy things and you can laugh at my silliness..(that's so not happening even if you wished on a shooting star :c) 

Your words are fighting a losing battle. Don't even talk about your thoughts, they've lost a long time ago.

God, you just have no friends.

Another thing before this day ends. I'm really sorry if I'm acting weirdly in the last few posts - it's just because this side of me has never...come out. I don't know how to explain it - I've always posted...depressing stuff (my stories/poems suck so bad that it makes me want to shoot myself in the foot) and the happy fun stuff was invisible :|

Anyway, goodnight. Don't party too hard baby.

Regrets are a waste of time. They're there only to cripple you in the future.

"I always thought I was a computer whiz."

I really thought I was. I was better than all the other kids in primary school (I brag about some things because I didn't have stuff to brag about it then... I'm such a loser). I knew all the tricks and short cuts and every tiny cranny. I thought I was a beast. SO COOL. But nowadays I'm always on the web. And I realized that the web is a different place. I need help with it a lot and that makes me sad.

That's all.

Out and about.

Yesterday was the sweetest day of the whole week. I went out with my girlfriend - yeah, not like that. She's my bestie. Not my girlfriend. yeah....- to the mall (Waterfront, close to the seaside) and it was so much fun. I was hoping we could've watched a movie but we didn't have enough time because someone was hogging my friend..(Brick, leave her alone. Sheesh) So we didn't. But she showed me this new gaming shop...

It was like heaven. My eyes were glued to each game. Gawd. Best moment ever. OH. There was a Tomb Raider model figure there. Human sized. I can't believe I didn't take a picture

For all of you guys out there, I am a gamer.

That's all. Hope you have a lovely Sunday.

PS: I have been thinking about making the video's. I haven't gotten any responses..(I knew it all along) but I still think it'll be fun. Also, I have realized the things I have posted on here are stories/poems etc, and making videos will be about..life and me (ewwwwwww). I think I've chased you away...I'll leave now.

Something new? Yeah, that's what she said.

:|

Please, ignore me. I'm going through a phase.

Anyway, I realized that I had this blog for a while - for a long time (can you call more/less 3 years a long time?) And I wanted to do something new. Do you think making videos would be fun? It was a thought and well - it's here. I don't know if there are people actually reading this lame ass blog of mine but it would really be cool to know that there are people...out there willingly reading this...blog. (Look at your followers beech.) Yeah sorry, I'm not looking for comments (I actually am :| You write me a damn comment you!).

Yeah...

So...videos? Yes/no (your face is too ugly, go drown)?

I hurt my own feelings all the time. xD 

"Just So Random!" Jeez get a life.

Nothing important, just wanted to ask if I'm stupid for making another twitter account? Silly? That's what I think. Foolish/annoying/idiotic? You know what happened last time.r

Him: "That's like hitting a guy in slow motion!"
Me: "...No it's actually not."


Tomorrow will be my first lesson of Tai Chi. I am excited. I hope I enjoy it, and that it helps.

Everything has been going slow for the past couple weeks - well, it felt like that. I visited the school counselor ( I had to ) but it was...okay. I realized things about myself I didn't know and it was difficult for me to grasp it and accept it. I didn't spend a lot of time with the counselor, I didn't cry hellyeah and she kept on telling me that she wanted to see me the next day but she never did. Pft~ I don't need her - thanks anyway.

There's not much to say, I am recovering *thumbs up* and I am trying to keep positive. I have a lot of support which I'm so grateful for. But...yeah. I guess that's about it. I might be writing more short stories, poems - ya know? And pictures, loads of pictures are going to be posted soon. I might even do a video - we can always dream right?

Well, it's past 10 at night and it's freezing. Goodnight awesome peoples who read my blog. 

"Im glad you don't judge me for the painfully embarrassing stories I tell you/... because pointless stories are my thing."

My thoughts have no direction. Thinking of writing more :D

Her breath came out in harsh pants, running down an endless street, from dream to reality at a pace that made the street lights blur. Choking on something logical, stepping on something unreal, her hair blurred her gaze as the wind whipped around her. 


"Hinata."


Her name falls from his pink-rough-dry-warm-lips and her feet freeze on their own accord, her mind chained to something unseeing and wonderful and so full of life. Her always tearful eyes hardened as she felt something pulling her gut, pulling her very being, towards something bright and shiny. She tilts her head, gazing at her side from the corner of her eyes, towards him. Knowing if she met his sapphire stare head on she would surely melt, the blue fire in his eyes would burn and brand her as his forever and she'd go willingly.


"Leave," her voice is as soft as a whisper but loud in the in-between, "leave before you break any more rules."


She hated losing. All her life she took every punch and cut - she's losing too much blood! - for him. She - father - has made these rules to live by. Now - now everything was changing, falling apart. I wonder if this is what losing feels like.  Every layer of leave me alone's and I don't need you's shatter unwillingly because of his stupid stupid grin. No one is supposed to be able to smile like that. No one's supposed to have so much power.


They were different.


She felt as though his fingers had trailed up her arms and pulled her (pulling pulling until there's nothing left) and she sighed in slight annoyance as her body turned towards this man.


He is strong (god - you're filling all the spaces it's suffocating - I love it) and the heat that his body naturally exudes is so alluring - you have to stop now. His sea blue-all knowing-beautiful-everything-I-need eyes captured her gaze and held on.


I'm so tired.


"I don't want you to leave - I don't care that we're different. I don't care." There he does it again. His eyes - always his eyes - brightens as he pulls her. 


"You know - you know I'll fade away eventually."


He grins, but there's now a bitter note to it. "Yeah, I kind of expected you to say that. But I want you. Be my now - my forever."


She can feel it, his emotions always loud and clear. She knew, she was already his before everything started. He knows it. 


"I can't...promise you anything."


He shrugs, opening his arms. "I just want you here, in my arms."


She doesn't resist the tugging then. She falls - always hard - into him. Her fingers, her skin warms up as more of her soul pours into him. I am pathetic. He is not mine, she tells her chest over and over. 


Her chest does not agree, she wants to keep him forever. And there is no changing that. She's going to burst with all of his light and give him all the broken pieces of her past and future, give him her weak heart and scream. The stars will scream back and her eyes will adjust to the light. 


It'll be beautiful. Everything will shine.

"I never thought I was smart enough to get depressed, but here I am."

I'm seriously needy right now. It's embarrassing.

"You'll be crying out in pain. Begging me to play my games."

All I want is to forget about the sun and moon, the broken wings on my back and thorns piercing my skin. To the eternal darkness, the dotted lights in the sky. Goodnight, loves.

Day One + Day Two: Acknowledging. Recovering.

DAY ONE.

Don't forget how to breathe. Even if it's only for a while.


If you don't remember my last post...here...(about the passport, getting a panic/anxiety attack. Remember? remember now? Pfff - scroll down then.) I do feel very...embarrassed and ashamed for - for this and I know I shouldn't. But I do.

Since then I couldn't sleep properly, I got an overload on emotions everyday. I wish I was exaggerating but I'm not. I didn't tell anyone, I just went on with my life and ignored all these warnings-you-need-to-do-something going on in my head. They made me feel so scared and I felt so alone. I lost my appetite and I forgot how to be happy and I slept so much during the day. I didn't acknowledge any of it and - well - then it happened.

I started exams last week Tuesday and on the second day of exams, Thursday, I had a panic attack. The night before I stayed up till three, because I couldn't sleep yet I was tired at the same time and I only had three more hours till it was time for me to get up. I think the exhaustion increased everything that day. I arrived at school, felt as normal as could be, spoke to my friends and waited for the exam. And then as I sat down at my desk my stomach started twisting and turning and I thought my breakfast was going to make a very gross appearance. I tried reading through the exam and thinking that it'll pass. It didn't. I stayed an hour until I couldn't, until it became unbearable. I asked to leave in a very discreet way, no one thought any of it. I found my teacher and all my emotions I kept in check came out and I couldn't stop the tears.


I hate crying.

My mom fetched me and she was so understanding and nice and sweet and it made me cry all over again. We went to the doctor and the doctor recommended some people to talk to, gave me some anti-anxiety pills and I slept peace and dreamless state.


DAY TWO.

My mom and best friend are the only people that know about this. And now you, whoever you are out there. You know something that could hurt me and I hope - I hope you don't. I trust you.

I don't want to get hurt anymore.

It's going to be difficult, thinking about this and getting over it. It might not take a long time or it might take years. I know people out there have it worse, but this is my worse. I'm working with what I got and I'm giving it my all.

Despite the medication I was still as jittery as ever and yesterday, Sunday, my mom and I went to the mall and to the beach to watch the sunset. Just us, to try to calm myself before my next exam. It was nice. I took some - a lot - of pictures. I felt like a foreigner in my own town.

TODAY.

Today wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I stopped taking my medication because it makes me so tired that all I want to do is sleep and never wake up. Because that's when everything goes away.

I still wanted to run away, far away from the class room. But I stayed for the full two and a half hours. I finished that exam even though I was shaking on the inside. I don't know why I was but that's what I'm trying to work through.

I'm glad that it happened now than later. I hope this ends soon.

I never loved my mom as much as I loved her today.

I need advice. I need you.

Nadia: "I have a mad sister."
Me: "And it's not even in the cool way. How boring."

I just thought you guys wouldn't mind if I wrote my problems here because I'm to ashamed to tell people I know. I think you're real and I think you'll understand.

Yesterday while I was getting my passport, I felt really weird-unusual-I don't know and I just broke out in a cold sweat, my hands felt as cold as ice and I thought I was going to be sick. I was having trouble breathing, but I didn't make a scene. (I don't want people thinking I'm crazy). 

I realized after a few hours that I had a nervous breakdown.

I've always gotten nervous over small exams-tests-crowds-cars-hurting people- things but yesterday was - there was nothing to get nervous about. I've always hated how quiet, insecure, awkward and pathetic I am.

I'm not sitting around thinking how sad this is or about myself, I'm getting up and doing things that (used to) make me happy. 

People like words they don't understand because they think it has something to do with their lives. Please, start living again.

You are more than the moons' shine or the sunsets gaze. You believe and it's something we need to remember and forget about the dying sun.