Day One + Day Two: Acknowledging. Recovering.

DAY ONE.

Don't forget how to breathe. Even if it's only for a while.


If you don't remember my last post...here...(about the passport, getting a panic/anxiety attack. Remember? remember now? Pfff - scroll down then.) I do feel very...embarrassed and ashamed for - for this and I know I shouldn't. But I do.

Since then I couldn't sleep properly, I got an overload on emotions everyday. I wish I was exaggerating but I'm not. I didn't tell anyone, I just went on with my life and ignored all these warnings-you-need-to-do-something going on in my head. They made me feel so scared and I felt so alone. I lost my appetite and I forgot how to be happy and I slept so much during the day. I didn't acknowledge any of it and - well - then it happened.

I started exams last week Tuesday and on the second day of exams, Thursday, I had a panic attack. The night before I stayed up till three, because I couldn't sleep yet I was tired at the same time and I only had three more hours till it was time for me to get up. I think the exhaustion increased everything that day. I arrived at school, felt as normal as could be, spoke to my friends and waited for the exam. And then as I sat down at my desk my stomach started twisting and turning and I thought my breakfast was going to make a very gross appearance. I tried reading through the exam and thinking that it'll pass. It didn't. I stayed an hour until I couldn't, until it became unbearable. I asked to leave in a very discreet way, no one thought any of it. I found my teacher and all my emotions I kept in check came out and I couldn't stop the tears.


I hate crying.

My mom fetched me and she was so understanding and nice and sweet and it made me cry all over again. We went to the doctor and the doctor recommended some people to talk to, gave me some anti-anxiety pills and I slept peace and dreamless state.


DAY TWO.

My mom and best friend are the only people that know about this. And now you, whoever you are out there. You know something that could hurt me and I hope - I hope you don't. I trust you.

I don't want to get hurt anymore.

It's going to be difficult, thinking about this and getting over it. It might not take a long time or it might take years. I know people out there have it worse, but this is my worse. I'm working with what I got and I'm giving it my all.

Despite the medication I was still as jittery as ever and yesterday, Sunday, my mom and I went to the mall and to the beach to watch the sunset. Just us, to try to calm myself before my next exam. It was nice. I took some - a lot - of pictures. I felt like a foreigner in my own town.

TODAY.

Today wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I stopped taking my medication because it makes me so tired that all I want to do is sleep and never wake up. Because that's when everything goes away.

I still wanted to run away, far away from the class room. But I stayed for the full two and a half hours. I finished that exam even though I was shaking on the inside. I don't know why I was but that's what I'm trying to work through.

I'm glad that it happened now than later. I hope this ends soon.