There are somethings you need to say. You need to learn to say "I can't" "I don't want to" "it hurts". You need to be able to breathe this out and stop from going any further. It's too much, can we slow down? You think you tell your emotions these things, you think you're trying, but it's a lonely battle and you need to fight. I just want to float on the surface of water face first, and watch all my bad emotions sizzle out and sink down to the bottom.

WHAT THE HELL.

I haven't been gone that long and blogger changed so much. Srsly. WHAT THE HELL. Dashboard, stop hiding.

I need advice. I need you.

Nadia: "I have a mad sister."
Me: "And it's not even in the cool way. How boring."

I just thought you guys wouldn't mind if I wrote my problems here because I'm to ashamed to tell people I know. I think you're real and I think you'll understand.

Yesterday while I was getting my passport, I felt really weird-unusual-I don't know and I just broke out in a cold sweat, my hands felt as cold as ice and I thought I was going to be sick. I was having trouble breathing, but I didn't make a scene. (I don't want people thinking I'm crazy). 

I realized after a few hours that I had a nervous breakdown.

I've always gotten nervous over small exams-tests-crowds-cars-hurting people- things but yesterday was - there was nothing to get nervous about. I've always hated how quiet, insecure, awkward and pathetic I am.

I'm not sitting around thinking how sad this is or about myself, I'm getting up and doing things that (used to) make me happy. 

RantRantRant.

I wish I could have a break down every month in my house, on the couch in the lounge while the suns out and not feel embarrassed about it. I wish I could just explode, have tantrums, shout and scream, break glasses and plates, spill blood. I just want to act like a teenager and not worry what others think. I don’t want to act like nothings wrong. It’s just a phase right?

But it can’t be a phase if I never break loose. 

Since I could remember: I never had a tantrum, I never broke a glass or plate on purpose. I never raised my voice to anyone. I never tried to harm myself.

Let me - god, just let me be.

I can't tell the difference.

So here's a funny story. Really funny. I bet you're wondering now 'This story sounds so funny, Im just about to pee in my pants with all this excitement building up inside of me.'


Well its not. To me.


An hour ago the phone rang and I rushed to pick it up. The guy on the other line sounded exactly like my uncle. That would be really normal right? Your uncle phoning and all. Right?


But if you know the type of guy my uncle was you wouldn't take this too lightly. The guy on the other line, which I thought was my uncle already by the sound of his voice, says, "Im calling f-from Telkom (phone company) and I hear there w-was a problem this morning..." I interrupted him because I, Myself, am stupid. You wanna know why I think Im stupid? Because 1. I laughed in his face. Not for a few seconds... MINUTES. 2. I thought it was a prank call from my 'fake' uncle. Long story short I called my granny because I was having doubts and she spoke and said "You are really silly."


I just wanna crawl in a corner and curl into a ball. I really wanna do that.

Explosion in my brain.

I want to pee on your face and make you drink it like apple juice.