How do I tell you that they don't really care?
How do I make you believe?

#49FactsAboutMe. [Because I’m not that interesting]

“We must not judge people by the color of their skin but by their annoying personalities.”

 Hope I didn’t repeat anything~

1. My name is Malaysian, Danish and Arabic. 
2. My name means thankfulness and the second. My surname is the habitational name from Lauria in Potenza. It’s Italian.
3. My favourite colors are green, blue, red and brown. I have no idea why brown.
4. I love writing, even though I’m bad at it. I love righting poems and connecting words to something real.
5. I like apples, malva pudding, chocolate cake and sour sweets.
6. I can never hate a thing/person but I dislike strawberries, beans, worms, fighting and eating (because somehow I can never stop).
7. My sister forever annoys me.
8. I’m exactly 1 meter and 58 centimeters in height.
9. I feel that my height puts me at a disadvantage.
10. I like most music, except Metal.
11. I started listening to Rock/Indie/Punk in the beginning of my high school years.
12. I’m a baggy jersey/cardigan, skinny jeans and Vans type a girl.
13. I was born on the 12th of January, 1994 on a Wednesday.
14. I think my high school is the most weirdest-awesomest place I know.
15. At 15 I started going through an awkward stage which really hasn’t left me.
16. Fatima (Fat-ma, Fatimatoes, Fatmat, Fzed) is an amazing person. She changed me and I’m so grateful to have her in my life.
17. I’m 17 years old. I think that’s a sexy number.
18. I’m scared of insects, but not in a girly fashion. I - I just don’t like them. I’m also afraid of heights, loneliness, huge monster dogs, new people and cars.
19. I haven’t fallen in love yet. You can add to the last fact ‘afraid of experiencing heart break’.
20. I like smiling. I smile too much that sometimes I look manic.
21. I’m a quiet, shy, insecure girl. I talk too much when I’m with my friends and too little when I’m at home. 
22. I feel bad for everything I do. It’s a serious problem and I’m working on it.
23. Zodiac sign: Capricorn.
24. Only piercings I have are one on both ears. I want a lip ring but it’s never going to happen.
25. I think lip rings are sexy.
26.  My first and only kiss was in 2007, for about 15 seconds.
27. Have I mentioned I’m 17? Seriously - pfffft.
28. I have trouble expressing myself verbally. The words - they’re all stuck in my brain and they can’t get out.
29. I like Naruto and Bleach. The only people know that I like anime are a few.
30. I love my friends and family.
31. I want to be happily married at this age.
32. I’m straight but I like gay people. YES PLEASE :D
33. Names people have called me in the past/present: “Thamina, Bob, John. Jiggly Puff, Tharn Yard.” (Oo)
34. I’m Muslim. I’m ashamed of myself for feeling shy for not telling certain people because some people - they’re not comfortable with it. I don’t know why. 
35. I love my religion.
36. I want to study Architecture. Learn Photography. 
37. I want to learn Italian, so that I can talk to my dads family that I haven’t seen in 6 years. 
38. I don’t swear - ever. 
39. I talk to myself a lot. 
40. A fun night for me is a  good book and a warm cup of tea.
41. My mom says that I’m such an oldie and that I should hang out with my own crowd. Mom, I don’t even have a crowd.
42. I like helping people, I like to make people happy.
43. My eyes and hair are dark brown and my hair reaches to the middle of my back.
44. I like hugs.
45. I say sorry for everything I do.
46. My phone is red. And I have a yellow and black cover. And it’s a BlackBerry.
47. I’m indecisive. 
48. I like twitter.
49. “I automatically assume people won’t like me, so I don’t talk to them unless they approach me first. I can’t become a part of a crowd because I can’t get past that feeling that I don’t belong.”

If you are trapped between your feelings and what other people think is right, always go for whatever makes you happy. Unless you want everybody to be happy, except you.

Why kill yourself? Life will do that for you.

I finally understood that you can still feel lonely in a crowded room.

"That's how depression hits. You wake up one morning afraid that you're going to live."

RantRantRant.

I wish I could have a break down every month in my house, on the couch in the lounge while the suns out and not feel embarrassed about it. I wish I could just explode, have tantrums, shout and scream, break glasses and plates, spill blood. I just want to act like a teenager and not worry what others think. I don’t want to act like nothings wrong. It’s just a phase right?

But it can’t be a phase if I never break loose. 

Since I could remember: I never had a tantrum, I never broke a glass or plate on purpose. I never raised my voice to anyone. I never tried to harm myself.

Let me - god, just let me be.

"Holding hands may seem like an innocent gesture, but they show more than a simple interlocking of fingers. Your hands are one of the most essential parts of your body: you build with them, feed with them, hold with them, touch with them, fight with them; they are the tools of the human body. To take a hold of another’s hand is to break from living individually. It is to link yourself to another being, to momentarily entwine your life with another’s, to promise, for a moment, that you need not face the world alone. More simple, more aesthetically naive than other forms of affection, i.e kissing, hugging, sexing, the act of holding hands is often trivialized in its true implications. As the Beatles once said: 


”All I want to do is hold your hand.”

But you write such pretty words. But love is no storybook. Love is an excuse to get hurt and to hurt.


"Do you like to hurt?"

"I do. I do."

"Then hurt me."

Love Language.

Movie night

I watched the Zoolander last night and you know that part when Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson tries to put the computer on by hitting it and acting like apes? That’s the way my dad does it. C:

I miss a lot of things. This is one of them. Don't worry love, I'm here now.

When the light spreads into darkness, or when the earth crumbles beneath our beings, when nothing works and all else fails and the only person standing there is you, with your heart hanging loosely on your sleeve, standing on waves ends, ankles wrapped around waterfalls with nothing but a toothy grin and open hands and your own cup of reality, ready to pour above my head just before I get too deep, the sun would split life and death into two and I would be stuck with a name. There won’t be a You or Me. Or an Everyone In Between. And we won’t live hands-tied-to-hands-with-burnt-cigarettes together.

Because there’s only You and Me when darkness has overcome light.

Today.

Today I painted bathroom walls at Marsh Memorial (social action group/charity service) and it was so bad that we have to come back and paint the floors.

Today my best friend Fzed gave me a (bracelet/band thing) for no reason and I love it and it makes me want to show everyone whom this amazing person is.

Today I watched Moulin Rouge. It brought back cold-nights-and-hot-milo-cape-town-nights memories. 

"We're creatures from the underworld. We can't afford to love."

"I make no apologies for how i chose to repair what you broke."

I like that whenever my dad picks up the home phone when it's ringing, he scares the person on the other line. Don't ever stop being silly.

"I hate when people make jokes about cutting, suicide or eating disorders because you don't know what the people around you are going through. It hurts."

Finally.

So, I've always been making blogs and deleting them the next 'cause I... Just do. But a few weeks ago I made a tumblr blog:

あなた。私。との間。

And I just wanted to share it with you, because you were the first of my beginnings. 

I'm short. I like wearing navy blue and green and black colors. I spend all my money on books and shoes and birthday gifts. I don't start conversations because I'm scared people wouldn't want to start them with me. I'm loud with people I do know and quiet with people I don't. I'm scared of heights and abnormally large dogs. I like to smile. I act as the granny in my group of friends. I'm incredibly awkward and negative but I do believe. I laugh until my stomach hurts. I don't want to stop being me, even with all my flaws that bring me down. I don't want you give up on being me.