You know when you're feeling angry and sad and your chest itches and try to scratch it but it only gets worse once you realise it's all in your head. You get all these bad thoughts and you just want to let go and tell some one you're dying on the inside. You want to scream "Fuck you!" and "I can't do this anymore" but you care too much about everyone around you and - and you don't want to spoil their day with your shitty thoughts. What do you do? What happens then?

I've been going through an emotional phase these couple of weeks. I've just become so... down. And the things that were bright and fun and happy aren't those things anymore. I would like to think that this is only a phase and I hope it doesn't progress any worse that it has now. I wish it was easy to explain, why I feel like - like I'm not really meant to be here and why I actually feel like I'm living a lie. I wish the answers were in black and white, I'd rather not deal with the time wasted on trying to find the answers that are probably so simple yet so difficult for me to see.

I hope that explains some of the shit that's going on inside of my brain. x

I need advice. I need you.

Nadia: "I have a mad sister."
Me: "And it's not even in the cool way. How boring."

I just thought you guys wouldn't mind if I wrote my problems here because I'm to ashamed to tell people I know. I think you're real and I think you'll understand.

Yesterday while I was getting my passport, I felt really weird-unusual-I don't know and I just broke out in a cold sweat, my hands felt as cold as ice and I thought I was going to be sick. I was having trouble breathing, but I didn't make a scene. (I don't want people thinking I'm crazy). 

I realized after a few hours that I had a nervous breakdown.

I've always gotten nervous over small exams-tests-crowds-cars-hurting people- things but yesterday was - there was nothing to get nervous about. I've always hated how quiet, insecure, awkward and pathetic I am.

I'm not sitting around thinking how sad this is or about myself, I'm getting up and doing things that (used to) make me happy. 

RantRantRant.

I wish I could have a break down every month in my house, on the couch in the lounge while the suns out and not feel embarrassed about it. I wish I could just explode, have tantrums, shout and scream, break glasses and plates, spill blood. I just want to act like a teenager and not worry what others think. I don’t want to act like nothings wrong. It’s just a phase right?

But it can’t be a phase if I never break loose. 

Since I could remember: I never had a tantrum, I never broke a glass or plate on purpose. I never raised my voice to anyone. I never tried to harm myself.

Let me - god, just let me be.

Thats what I thought.

Yeah. Its no surprise that you'd rather watch movies than talk to me.

Thanks for not telling me.

Im the person behind the curtain.

I've let myself become friends with you because I know that if I can't accept the things you don't offer I wouldn't accept this reality.

And sometimes, when you write about things, I let myself become vulnerable and think "Maybe he was talking about me." But there's always that small little voice inside my head saying "You're invisible."